So here we are all back home. Lester had to switch his phone number because Tobias kept trying to call him and whenever that happened, he wouldn't answer, but always looked horrified. When I asked him if he enjoyed the trip he said, "I think it was adventure enough for me for awhile." I'm glad I could help him feel better and give Tobias a better story, but I must confess I felt no better myself. I thought I might get something from the big trip, but I was too busy helping everyone else. Now that I am back at home, I don't feel right, and maybe it's Cormac McCarthy, but I feel lonely.
Not that anything is different now. I have Lester and Anna. I have the animals at PetSmart. I guess I realized how much I am alone and I used to be okay with that. I had my movies, I had my music, I had my books, I had you readers of my blog and that was enough for me.
That was enough beauty for me. Now I'm not sure, but I sure hope it is. I'm scared that if I go out and try to look for anything else, I will find nothing.
I want to be okay alone.
"It is true that many creative people fail to make mature personal relationships, and some are extremely isolated. It is also true that, in some instances, trauma, in the shape of early separation or bereavement, has steered the potentially creative person toward developing aspects of his personality which can find fulfillment in comparative isolation. But this does not mean that solitary, creative pursuits are themselves pathological. . . . Avoidance behavior is a response designed to protect the infant from behavioral disorganization. If we transfer this concept to adult life, we can see that an avoidant infant might very well develop into a person whose principal need was to find some kind of meaning and order in life which was not entirely or even chiefly, dependent upon interpersonal relationships."
-Anthony Storr in A Return to the Self
I am going to write some poetry.